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I’ve never been much of a Tyler Perry girlie. Sure, I watched some of his grainy Chitlin’ Circuit videos in high school, but I didn’t follow him when he started making movies for real. If it’s not in the Fast & Furious franchise, I have a low tolerance for the kind of melodrama and kitschy sitcom humor that Perry typically traffics in. I personally prefer to engage with his output through one of my besties, who sends me furious multi-part voice memo reviews of his various streaming endeavors. Roughly 43 percent of these reviews contain an outraged “AND ANOTHER THING!” It’s amazing, and the movies themselves couldn’t come close.1

How do I know that for sure? Partly because my friend is a hilarious storyteller. But also, sadly, because I have seen one of Tyler Perry’s movies: Tyler Perry’s Temptation: Confessions of a Marriage Counselor. And I didn’t like a moment of what I saw.

Judith (Jurnee Smollett) is a family therapist working at a boutique matchmaking agency that seems even less tethered to reality than the one in Materialists. She’s married to her high school sweetheart, Brice (the profoundly Black-famous Lance Gross), a pharmacist. Judith is chafing at the timidity and smallness of Brice’s worldview—he’s content to work his way up to owning this family pharmacy, even though the owners are racist; and he wants her to hold off on her dream of starting her own practice until they’ve saved up a bigger nest egg. He forgets her birthday two years in a row2, and his idea of wining and dining her is taking her to a $5.99 buffet. Enter Harley (Robbie Jones), an exciting and wealthy bachelor seeking matchmaking services and giving shape to Judith’s nebulous dissatisfaction.

Would it shock you to learn that he actually just wants to be matched with Judith? Or that his confidence and flashy lifestyle mask a violent temper? Actually, I’ll actually stop here, because the plot does take a shocking turn, and you deserve to be eased into it.

Rounding out the agency staff/Greek chorus are CEO Janice (Vanessa Williams, over-qualified), catty co-worker Ava (Kim Kardashian, under-qualified), and quiet newcomer Melinda (Brandy Norwood, exactly qualified).

Can Tyler Perry’s allegation-laden, union-busting ass come to the front of the room?

Now, Tyler Perry is an auteur, in that he refuses to share creative control or credit with a single human soul. He and his fans call this “work ethic.” As with any self-proclaimed auteur, I call it creatively and spiritually miserly. Film is a collaborative medium, after all. But since Tyler Perry refuses to collaborate with anyone, his diseased worldview comes through entirely undiluted by any humanity.

In promoting his film Why Did I Get Married?, Perry talked a lot about the 80/20 rule of marriage. Basically, you could be getting 80 percent of what you want from a marriage, which surely isn’t 100 percent. But if you let yourself get distracted, chasing after that missing 20 percent from someone else, you’re going to wind up with just 20 percent at best. (Incidentally, Perry himself has never been married.) Why Did I Get Married? was the comedy portrayal of this alleged truism, and Temptation is the tragedy, with the misogyny dialed all the way up. And I said the misogyny, but I really mean Tyler Perry’s misogyny because, again, this is entirely his movie.

Kim Kardashian had technically been in a movie before this one—Disaster Movie, one of those awful spoof “comedies” from the ‘00s that clung to the residual goodwill of Airplane and Scary Movie. Still, she seems brand-new to the concept of acting in this movie, a trait she retains to this day, despite (because of?) her time in the Ryan Murphy Coterie of Camp. There’s no energy, no personality, no anything from her. A waste of perfectly good yearbook space.

On the other end of the spectrum is Vanessa Thee Williams, giving us a masterclass in showmanship. This is the exact draggy vibe she brought to four seasons of Ugly Betty, this time with a pointedly fake French accent, and the effort is very much appreciated. Especially when she drops the accent entirely to tell Judith “bitch, you better get your ass outta my office.” And that’s on saving the best for last.

Let’s make this one multiple choice! Is it,

(a) Brandy’s Melinda explaining that the reason she hasn’t found love despite being “a good woman” is that she’s HIV-positive;

(b) Melinda telling Brice that she “accepted her part” in her abusive ex-boyfriend transmitting HIV to her;

(c ) the way Brice screams “JUDITH!” at Melinda when he realizes that Melinda’s abusive ex-boyfriend is Harley, the same man who stole Brice’s wife, got her instantly addicted to cocaine, and is almost definitely having unprotected sex with her at that exact moment; or

(d) the film’s conclusion, which punishes Judith for her infidelity and desire for a more exciting life by making her single, weirdly elderly, and HIV-positive herself?

I had heard from multiple people that I wouldn’t believe the ending, and I wanted to see it for myself. Those people were right! I couldn’t believe the ending, nor the beginning, nor the whole middle stretch there.

Its finite runtime!

You know what? I prefer being an informed hater. Tyler Perry’s defenders say that Black people who don’t “support” him and his movies are elitist, or that we don’t know how to have fun, or that we’re anti-Black. So I’m glad that I watched a movie of his that’s so rich with evidence of his own elitism, cruelty, and anti-Blackness. High price to pay, but worth it to a discerning hater like me.

On the next Terrible Tuesday: The “rom”-“com” that’s so unromantic and unfunny that I have never been able to finish it.

Thank you so much for reading! If you enjoyed this essay, please take a second to feel Al Gore’s rhythm by liking and sharing it.